A Terrible Limbo

Greetings All,

So sorry again for being so long in between posts. It has been almost 3 weeks since I last wrote and a lot has been happening.

The big news, of course, is that I may have done my last chemotherapy treatment!! A week ago Thursday was treatment number 8, the last scheduled treatment I have. For the last treatment my Dad came and sat with me and then drove me home. Also, my younger brother came over and kept us company. It was great having them both there to distract me and make conversation. Both my Mom and my Dad spent time with me at treatments and I have to give them a tremendous amount of credit for it. I know having to watch my child in an NICU hooked up to all sorts of tubes is one of the hardest things as a parent. It can't be easy  in an environment where everyone is hooked up to tubes and machines to watch your son be one of them, especially knowing they are all cancer patients.

Speaking of, I have to mention this 67 year old lady I met while in treatment this time. I have had conversations with lots of other patients while I have been there but this was quite humorous. The first part was not funny at all. She was in treatment for Uterine cancer for the second time. We pray for her treatment and for it not to return for sure. But we got to talking because of our hair. I still have quite a bit of mine but there is a lot of scalp showing where there wasn't scalp before. She on the other hand had no hair at all. She then asked if I was from the area and I said not too far away. She then proceeded to give me directions to her house from the hospital. She was a nice enough lady, but I'm not planning on stopping by. But it gets better. An Orthodox Jewish gentleman came in for treatment and sat down across from me, and 2 chairs over from her. She proceeded to ask him, "Are you Amish?". I know I shouldn't have thought it was so funny, I imagine that not everyone has seen an Orthodox Jew in their traditional clothes. The gentleman was very nice about it and just said no he was Jewish. So, seeing someone else she could talk to she inquired, "May I ask you a Jewish question?". I had no idea what "Jewish" question she was going to ask but she started with something nice and light and conversational - "How come you don't believe that Jesus was the Messiah?" Nothing like starting the conversation with the crux of a 2000 year old debate. What followed was an interesting discussion about belief and tradition and it was actually quite fascinating. The lady of course was completely sincere and innocent and I think that's partly why they were able to talk so openly and freely. I just found a lot of humor in it all.

Anyhow, just thought I'd share a little story before we get back to the task at hand. My last treatment went as usual. The next day I went to work as usual. Saturday and Sunday I slept on and off. I have discovered another smell trigger for my nausea, the Cascade powder we use in the dishwasher smells just enough like the hospital that I have to hold my breath when I fill the dishwasher or that lump starts forming in my throat. I called off again Monday because I was still very tired and my stomach was not in a good place. I was more tired and tired longer the last 2 treatments. This past Thursday I had my PET scan. That made me pretty sick as well. My stomach was still a little touchy even 7 days later, then I had to fast for 5 hours, and then I had to drink a 20 oz. and a half another of contrast. That stuff is mighty tasty let me tell you. You can add berry flavor to poo, it still takes like poo and berries. I get my results back this Thursday, April Fool's Day. Until then, it's a waiting game in a terrible limbo. Keep those prayers and good thoughts coming for a completely clean scan.

Peace,
Ben

A Glimmer of the Finish

Greetings All,

So I have completed my seventh of eight planned chemo treatments. My last treatment, number six, I actually called off work on Monday. That marked the first day I had missed that wasn't a treatment day since Christmas, and the only unplanned day off I've taken in my entire course of treatment. I have definitely felt more tired for more days after. Maybe it's a psychological thing that I know I'm getting toward the end and losing part of my fight. Maybe the treatments compounding on themselves are taking a little bit of a toll.

The big news is that my oncologist through out a little bone for me before my last round. He has suggested that if my PET scan comes back completely clean then he is open to the possibility of not doing radiation at all. That means that if I'm completely clean, besides the fact that would mean I don't have cancer anymore, then my last treatment would be the last process I would have to go through. I bring this up so that everyone can start praying now. Not that we wouldn't be praying for the cancer to be gone, I know sounds weird. But, man, would it be great to know that 2 weeks from now I may not have to go through anything else.

Kim always asks what my gut tells me about what is going to happen. This time I really am not sure. I don't want to completely buy in because if it doesn't happen I have to be mentally ready to keep going. That doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in her, which in turn makes her a little discouraged. Mentally I think I'm going to be guarded for a while, probably for the next couple months worth of follow up scans. You always have that little bit of a thought of what if it comes back. It's that same part of the brain that thinks, what if I don't beat this. You know it's there but you don't acknowledge it and you know that you can even take a second to think about it.

I know I'm rambling so just for the record: I knew from the beginning, I mean really knew, that when they told me I had a mass in my chest I was going to have to go through chemo. I also knew from the start that I would come out the other side clean. It would just be nice for the other side to come sooner than expected.

Peace,
Ben