Greetings All,
So I am over a month past my last chemo treatment and I'd have to say that life is getting back to normal. My hair is slowly coming back in. It's a shade lighter than it was before but not by much. It's also very soft, almost downy. I'm back to doing my chores around the house, back to being able to play with my kids, back to being beaten up at work because people don't feel sorry for me anymore. You know, the usual. It's been great!! I also have been staying up a lot later than I should. I tell my wife that it's because I've had my fill of sleeping for a while. I can get by with just taking naps. That, of course, is not true and its rough getting up for work but it just feels nice to be able to stay up late.
I'm going to be talking about my experience at my church coming up on Sunday the 16th at 7pm. If you are in the area and are interested let me know and I can give you directions. I'll be leading some songs (something I haven't done in 2 years) and sharing about how thankful I am to have made it through. I feel like there have been so many good things that have happened while I am surrounded by bad things that sometimes I miss my chance to say thank you. So, this time I'm not going to miss it. It is definitely a weird thing for me because I still have a lot of feelings toward God that are not 100% positive. Not because of the cancer, but for other reasons that if you are familiar with the story of the last 8 years you may know. But I am truly grateful that He brought me through this and, to put it bluntly, that I am still here. I don't want this to be all about me though so we are going to have a time for people to share what they have gone through and come out the other side. Also, we'll have a time for people that are still stuck in the middle of whatever they are in.
It's also a strange position for me to be in because I know what it feels like to sit and listen to someone talk about how they made it through this huge thing and God came through for them and so on, all the while thinking, "Well that's peachy for you but would you be saying how great God is if things didn't work out the way you had hoped." I've been on the other side of wondering what went wrong and why did this have to happen. I know how hard it can be to listen to someone's joy when your pain is still a little too real. So, I'm hoping that if there is anyone in that situation while I share my story that they feel comfortable to give voice to what they are feeling and know that people care about what they are going through.
Wow, that got a little heavier than I intended. Anywho, the moral of the story is things are going pretty well. I still haven't jumped into my project of losing the weight I gained but, baby steps, right? Sometimes it's good to just enjoy a little bit of normal.
Peace,
Ben
Friday, May 7, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Abnormal My ***
Greetings All,
On Wednesday I called the Urologist to get back the results of the additional tests done on my urine sample. Everything came back completely normal. One more step toward putting everything behind us. So much for my "abnormal" cells. I am counting down the days until my chest finally heals from getting the port out. I'll admit I'm not doing a very good job of not lifting anything over 10 pounds. I can't help it, I got things to do and it mostly involves things over 10 pounds. Whatever, at least I'm not not bleeding profusely.
Peace,
Ben
P.S. Jen, my cell crashed and I lost your contact info. Please give me a shout when you get a chance.
On Wednesday I called the Urologist to get back the results of the additional tests done on my urine sample. Everything came back completely normal. One more step toward putting everything behind us. So much for my "abnormal" cells. I am counting down the days until my chest finally heals from getting the port out. I'll admit I'm not doing a very good job of not lifting anything over 10 pounds. I can't help it, I got things to do and it mostly involves things over 10 pounds. Whatever, at least I'm not not bleeding profusely.
Peace,
Ben
P.S. Jen, my cell crashed and I lost your contact info. Please give me a shout when you get a chance.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sometimes You Gotta Trust
Greetings All,
As I alluded before, the clean scan was certainly not the end of the journey, nor is it the end of Struggleville. A lot has happened in 2 weeks since I last posted and we have had to make some tough decisions.
The Thursday after I got my results I had a follow up appointment with the Urologist. This was to follow up on the bleeding I had during treatment. There is an extremely comical, yet uncomfortable, and exceptionally visual story about avoiding a Cystoscopy (sending a camera into your bladder) that I will not share here. I've probably said enough already. However, they said they did find some abnormal cells in my urine sample that they sent off for more testing. I asked the urologist what kind of abnormal cells and he said they would check for bladder cancers and other cancers of the urinary track. I asked if that would show up on my PET scan and he said not necessarily. So, this Wednesday I have to call for my results on my "abnormal" cells. To be honest I'm not really worried about the results. I'm sure everything is fine and I'm not surprised going through chemo and all that I would have some abnormal cells.
The following Monday I had my chest port removed. What a relief!!! I still have a bandage and stitches right now so it's still a little like having it in but I'm glad it is out. Strangely enough I had another interesting story with the port removal. I took the whole day off. I figured being cut open warranted a day free from the stresses of work. Our daughter had a doctor's appointment so I was going to take our son to school. He got dressed, we brushed his teeth, got his coat and shoes on, and we are just about to leave. I bend over to tie my shoes and I feel on drip on my stomach. My first thought is I probably have a little stream of blood coming down from my incision. I happened to be wearing a t-shirt with a long sleeve shirt over that at the time so I took off my long sleeve shirt to survey the damage. Imagine my surprise when my t-shirt literally looked like someone had shot me in the chest. I had soaked a good 2 inch circle in my shirt. At this point I seriously considered just changing my shirt and taking our son to school, but I reconsidered, called my dad to take our son to school, and called the hospital. Their sage advice was to apply direct pressure for 15 minutes, change the bandage, and if I hadn't stopped hemorrhaging by then to call back. By the time I got off the phone with them I had stopped bleeding so I changed the bandage and went on my way. I never did have another incident but it brought a little excitement to my afternoon.
Finally, the big news of the day. Last Wednesday I had my follow up appointment with my Radiologist. The standard course of treatment for Hodgkin’s is either 12 treatments of chemo and no radiation or 8 chemo treatments and then radiation. I had my 8 treatments and gotten a clean scan so I wanted to ask the radiologist whether radiation was necessary. The problem is this:
I have a 4%-6% better chance of reoccurrence if I don't do radiation and just do the chemo. However, I also have the chance of developing secondary cancers from the radiation some 10-20 years later. I have read a lot of other people's stories of treatment and it seems more and more that people are not doing radiation, but they are also getting more chemo treatments than I did. I asked the radiologist if the PET came back clean what exactly are we treating? He said a PET scan will only pick up groups of cancer cells that are greater than 5-7 mm large. Random active cancer cells could still exist and not be seen on the PET. With the area that would be treated there is also some risk for lung scarring, heart scarring, and irritation to the esophagus and spine. Did I mention I could get cancer from treating cancer? I thought so. So I did a lot of thinking and a lot of praying by myself and with others. In my mind in came down to this: either way I have to trust. I either trust now that the chemo did its job and the cancer is completely gone or I trust that by going through radiation I won't develop a second cancer later. Both decisions reminded me that I won't feel like things are completely over for a while.
After a lot of agonizing I have decided not to pursue radiation treatment. I feel like this is the decision I am supposed to make and I am going to trust in the here and now that the cancer is gone and that it is time to start to move on. Things could change tomorrow and I will still know that this was the decision I was supposed to make at this time. It's crazy but I can't remember ever having to make a decision quite like this. I guess I've had a lot of unique experiences in the last 4 months. Experiences that I haven't even begun to see the significance of yet. I am also trusting that as the days pass I will gain a small understanding of why I was meant to go through this and how I'm supposed to use it going forward.
So my friends, the journey continues and we struggle on. I hope that in whatever struggles you are going through you take some solace in the fact that whatever you face you are not alone. Cancer sucks, and a lot of things we face in life suck. I wish I could remove what sucks but I can't. But if you are looking, between what sucks you find a lot of beauty, friendship, grace, love, and other things worth struggling for. So don't give up, sometimes you just gotta trust that things will get better..........and sooner rather than later.
Peace,
Ben
As I alluded before, the clean scan was certainly not the end of the journey, nor is it the end of Struggleville. A lot has happened in 2 weeks since I last posted and we have had to make some tough decisions.
The Thursday after I got my results I had a follow up appointment with the Urologist. This was to follow up on the bleeding I had during treatment. There is an extremely comical, yet uncomfortable, and exceptionally visual story about avoiding a Cystoscopy (sending a camera into your bladder) that I will not share here. I've probably said enough already. However, they said they did find some abnormal cells in my urine sample that they sent off for more testing. I asked the urologist what kind of abnormal cells and he said they would check for bladder cancers and other cancers of the urinary track. I asked if that would show up on my PET scan and he said not necessarily. So, this Wednesday I have to call for my results on my "abnormal" cells. To be honest I'm not really worried about the results. I'm sure everything is fine and I'm not surprised going through chemo and all that I would have some abnormal cells.
The following Monday I had my chest port removed. What a relief!!! I still have a bandage and stitches right now so it's still a little like having it in but I'm glad it is out. Strangely enough I had another interesting story with the port removal. I took the whole day off. I figured being cut open warranted a day free from the stresses of work. Our daughter had a doctor's appointment so I was going to take our son to school. He got dressed, we brushed his teeth, got his coat and shoes on, and we are just about to leave. I bend over to tie my shoes and I feel on drip on my stomach. My first thought is I probably have a little stream of blood coming down from my incision. I happened to be wearing a t-shirt with a long sleeve shirt over that at the time so I took off my long sleeve shirt to survey the damage. Imagine my surprise when my t-shirt literally looked like someone had shot me in the chest. I had soaked a good 2 inch circle in my shirt. At this point I seriously considered just changing my shirt and taking our son to school, but I reconsidered, called my dad to take our son to school, and called the hospital. Their sage advice was to apply direct pressure for 15 minutes, change the bandage, and if I hadn't stopped hemorrhaging by then to call back. By the time I got off the phone with them I had stopped bleeding so I changed the bandage and went on my way. I never did have another incident but it brought a little excitement to my afternoon.
Finally, the big news of the day. Last Wednesday I had my follow up appointment with my Radiologist. The standard course of treatment for Hodgkin’s is either 12 treatments of chemo and no radiation or 8 chemo treatments and then radiation. I had my 8 treatments and gotten a clean scan so I wanted to ask the radiologist whether radiation was necessary. The problem is this:
I have a 4%-6% better chance of reoccurrence if I don't do radiation and just do the chemo. However, I also have the chance of developing secondary cancers from the radiation some 10-20 years later. I have read a lot of other people's stories of treatment and it seems more and more that people are not doing radiation, but they are also getting more chemo treatments than I did. I asked the radiologist if the PET came back clean what exactly are we treating? He said a PET scan will only pick up groups of cancer cells that are greater than 5-7 mm large. Random active cancer cells could still exist and not be seen on the PET. With the area that would be treated there is also some risk for lung scarring, heart scarring, and irritation to the esophagus and spine. Did I mention I could get cancer from treating cancer? I thought so. So I did a lot of thinking and a lot of praying by myself and with others. In my mind in came down to this: either way I have to trust. I either trust now that the chemo did its job and the cancer is completely gone or I trust that by going through radiation I won't develop a second cancer later. Both decisions reminded me that I won't feel like things are completely over for a while.
After a lot of agonizing I have decided not to pursue radiation treatment. I feel like this is the decision I am supposed to make and I am going to trust in the here and now that the cancer is gone and that it is time to start to move on. Things could change tomorrow and I will still know that this was the decision I was supposed to make at this time. It's crazy but I can't remember ever having to make a decision quite like this. I guess I've had a lot of unique experiences in the last 4 months. Experiences that I haven't even begun to see the significance of yet. I am also trusting that as the days pass I will gain a small understanding of why I was meant to go through this and how I'm supposed to use it going forward.
So my friends, the journey continues and we struggle on. I hope that in whatever struggles you are going through you take some solace in the fact that whatever you face you are not alone. Cancer sucks, and a lot of things we face in life suck. I wish I could remove what sucks but I can't. But if you are looking, between what sucks you find a lot of beauty, friendship, grace, love, and other things worth struggling for. So don't give up, sometimes you just gotta trust that things will get better..........and sooner rather than later.
Peace,
Ben
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The Biscuit Can and a Clean Scan
Greetings All,
My wife has this thing about anticipation. It kills her. She can't handle it. It's to the point that I am the official biscuit can opener in our house because she can't take peeling that label off and waiting for the can to pop. She has to leave the room when I do it. So, the anticipation of today was almost too much for her to cope with. To try to lighten the situation I likened it to the biggest biscuit can ever. She continued to look like she was going to hurl and explode at the same time. I love her so much!!
The wait was worth it because we got some really great news. My PET scan came back completely negative. Not a trace of cancer left!!
Thank you so much to all of you again who are reading and posting for your thoughts and prayers. They have been heard. My journey is not yet over, but that is another post. I wanted to share the great news with all of you.
Peace,
Ben
My wife has this thing about anticipation. It kills her. She can't handle it. It's to the point that I am the official biscuit can opener in our house because she can't take peeling that label off and waiting for the can to pop. She has to leave the room when I do it. So, the anticipation of today was almost too much for her to cope with. To try to lighten the situation I likened it to the biggest biscuit can ever. She continued to look like she was going to hurl and explode at the same time. I love her so much!!
The wait was worth it because we got some really great news. My PET scan came back completely negative. Not a trace of cancer left!!
Thank you so much to all of you again who are reading and posting for your thoughts and prayers. They have been heard. My journey is not yet over, but that is another post. I wanted to share the great news with all of you.
Peace,
Ben
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A Terrible Limbo
Greetings All,
So sorry again for being so long in between posts. It has been almost 3 weeks since I last wrote and a lot has been happening.
The big news, of course, is that I may have done my last chemotherapy treatment!! A week ago Thursday was treatment number 8, the last scheduled treatment I have. For the last treatment my Dad came and sat with me and then drove me home. Also, my younger brother came over and kept us company. It was great having them both there to distract me and make conversation. Both my Mom and my Dad spent time with me at treatments and I have to give them a tremendous amount of credit for it. I know having to watch my child in an NICU hooked up to all sorts of tubes is one of the hardest things as a parent. It can't be easy in an environment where everyone is hooked up to tubes and machines to watch your son be one of them, especially knowing they are all cancer patients.
Speaking of, I have to mention this 67 year old lady I met while in treatment this time. I have had conversations with lots of other patients while I have been there but this was quite humorous. The first part was not funny at all. She was in treatment for Uterine cancer for the second time. We pray for her treatment and for it not to return for sure. But we got to talking because of our hair. I still have quite a bit of mine but there is a lot of scalp showing where there wasn't scalp before. She on the other hand had no hair at all. She then asked if I was from the area and I said not too far away. She then proceeded to give me directions to her house from the hospital. She was a nice enough lady, but I'm not planning on stopping by. But it gets better. An Orthodox Jewish gentleman came in for treatment and sat down across from me, and 2 chairs over from her. She proceeded to ask him, "Are you Amish?". I know I shouldn't have thought it was so funny, I imagine that not everyone has seen an Orthodox Jew in their traditional clothes. The gentleman was very nice about it and just said no he was Jewish. So, seeing someone else she could talk to she inquired, "May I ask you a Jewish question?". I had no idea what "Jewish" question she was going to ask but she started with something nice and light and conversational - "How come you don't believe that Jesus was the Messiah?" Nothing like starting the conversation with the crux of a 2000 year old debate. What followed was an interesting discussion about belief and tradition and it was actually quite fascinating. The lady of course was completely sincere and innocent and I think that's partly why they were able to talk so openly and freely. I just found a lot of humor in it all.
Anyhow, just thought I'd share a little story before we get back to the task at hand. My last treatment went as usual. The next day I went to work as usual. Saturday and Sunday I slept on and off. I have discovered another smell trigger for my nausea, the Cascade powder we use in the dishwasher smells just enough like the hospital that I have to hold my breath when I fill the dishwasher or that lump starts forming in my throat. I called off again Monday because I was still very tired and my stomach was not in a good place. I was more tired and tired longer the last 2 treatments. This past Thursday I had my PET scan. That made me pretty sick as well. My stomach was still a little touchy even 7 days later, then I had to fast for 5 hours, and then I had to drink a 20 oz. and a half another of contrast. That stuff is mighty tasty let me tell you. You can add berry flavor to poo, it still takes like poo and berries. I get my results back this Thursday, April Fool's Day. Until then, it's a waiting game in a terrible limbo. Keep those prayers and good thoughts coming for a completely clean scan.
Peace,
Ben
So sorry again for being so long in between posts. It has been almost 3 weeks since I last wrote and a lot has been happening.
The big news, of course, is that I may have done my last chemotherapy treatment!! A week ago Thursday was treatment number 8, the last scheduled treatment I have. For the last treatment my Dad came and sat with me and then drove me home. Also, my younger brother came over and kept us company. It was great having them both there to distract me and make conversation. Both my Mom and my Dad spent time with me at treatments and I have to give them a tremendous amount of credit for it. I know having to watch my child in an NICU hooked up to all sorts of tubes is one of the hardest things as a parent. It can't be easy in an environment where everyone is hooked up to tubes and machines to watch your son be one of them, especially knowing they are all cancer patients.
Speaking of, I have to mention this 67 year old lady I met while in treatment this time. I have had conversations with lots of other patients while I have been there but this was quite humorous. The first part was not funny at all. She was in treatment for Uterine cancer for the second time. We pray for her treatment and for it not to return for sure. But we got to talking because of our hair. I still have quite a bit of mine but there is a lot of scalp showing where there wasn't scalp before. She on the other hand had no hair at all. She then asked if I was from the area and I said not too far away. She then proceeded to give me directions to her house from the hospital. She was a nice enough lady, but I'm not planning on stopping by. But it gets better. An Orthodox Jewish gentleman came in for treatment and sat down across from me, and 2 chairs over from her. She proceeded to ask him, "Are you Amish?". I know I shouldn't have thought it was so funny, I imagine that not everyone has seen an Orthodox Jew in their traditional clothes. The gentleman was very nice about it and just said no he was Jewish. So, seeing someone else she could talk to she inquired, "May I ask you a Jewish question?". I had no idea what "Jewish" question she was going to ask but she started with something nice and light and conversational - "How come you don't believe that Jesus was the Messiah?" Nothing like starting the conversation with the crux of a 2000 year old debate. What followed was an interesting discussion about belief and tradition and it was actually quite fascinating. The lady of course was completely sincere and innocent and I think that's partly why they were able to talk so openly and freely. I just found a lot of humor in it all.
Anyhow, just thought I'd share a little story before we get back to the task at hand. My last treatment went as usual. The next day I went to work as usual. Saturday and Sunday I slept on and off. I have discovered another smell trigger for my nausea, the Cascade powder we use in the dishwasher smells just enough like the hospital that I have to hold my breath when I fill the dishwasher or that lump starts forming in my throat. I called off again Monday because I was still very tired and my stomach was not in a good place. I was more tired and tired longer the last 2 treatments. This past Thursday I had my PET scan. That made me pretty sick as well. My stomach was still a little touchy even 7 days later, then I had to fast for 5 hours, and then I had to drink a 20 oz. and a half another of contrast. That stuff is mighty tasty let me tell you. You can add berry flavor to poo, it still takes like poo and berries. I get my results back this Thursday, April Fool's Day. Until then, it's a waiting game in a terrible limbo. Keep those prayers and good thoughts coming for a completely clean scan.
Peace,
Ben
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
A Glimmer of the Finish
Greetings All,
So I have completed my seventh of eight planned chemo treatments. My last treatment, number six, I actually called off work on Monday. That marked the first day I had missed that wasn't a treatment day since Christmas, and the only unplanned day off I've taken in my entire course of treatment. I have definitely felt more tired for more days after. Maybe it's a psychological thing that I know I'm getting toward the end and losing part of my fight. Maybe the treatments compounding on themselves are taking a little bit of a toll.
The big news is that my oncologist through out a little bone for me before my last round. He has suggested that if my PET scan comes back completely clean then he is open to the possibility of not doing radiation at all. That means that if I'm completely clean, besides the fact that would mean I don't have cancer anymore, then my last treatment would be the last process I would have to go through. I bring this up so that everyone can start praying now. Not that we wouldn't be praying for the cancer to be gone, I know sounds weird. But, man, would it be great to know that 2 weeks from now I may not have to go through anything else.
Kim always asks what my gut tells me about what is going to happen. This time I really am not sure. I don't want to completely buy in because if it doesn't happen I have to be mentally ready to keep going. That doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in her, which in turn makes her a little discouraged. Mentally I think I'm going to be guarded for a while, probably for the next couple months worth of follow up scans. You always have that little bit of a thought of what if it comes back. It's that same part of the brain that thinks, what if I don't beat this. You know it's there but you don't acknowledge it and you know that you can even take a second to think about it.
I know I'm rambling so just for the record: I knew from the beginning, I mean really knew, that when they told me I had a mass in my chest I was going to have to go through chemo. I also knew from the start that I would come out the other side clean. It would just be nice for the other side to come sooner than expected.
Peace,
Ben
So I have completed my seventh of eight planned chemo treatments. My last treatment, number six, I actually called off work on Monday. That marked the first day I had missed that wasn't a treatment day since Christmas, and the only unplanned day off I've taken in my entire course of treatment. I have definitely felt more tired for more days after. Maybe it's a psychological thing that I know I'm getting toward the end and losing part of my fight. Maybe the treatments compounding on themselves are taking a little bit of a toll.
The big news is that my oncologist through out a little bone for me before my last round. He has suggested that if my PET scan comes back completely clean then he is open to the possibility of not doing radiation at all. That means that if I'm completely clean, besides the fact that would mean I don't have cancer anymore, then my last treatment would be the last process I would have to go through. I bring this up so that everyone can start praying now. Not that we wouldn't be praying for the cancer to be gone, I know sounds weird. But, man, would it be great to know that 2 weeks from now I may not have to go through anything else.
Kim always asks what my gut tells me about what is going to happen. This time I really am not sure. I don't want to completely buy in because if it doesn't happen I have to be mentally ready to keep going. That doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in her, which in turn makes her a little discouraged. Mentally I think I'm going to be guarded for a while, probably for the next couple months worth of follow up scans. You always have that little bit of a thought of what if it comes back. It's that same part of the brain that thinks, what if I don't beat this. You know it's there but you don't acknowledge it and you know that you can even take a second to think about it.
I know I'm rambling so just for the record: I knew from the beginning, I mean really knew, that when they told me I had a mass in my chest I was going to have to go through chemo. I also knew from the start that I would come out the other side clean. It would just be nice for the other side to come sooner than expected.
Peace,
Ben
Thursday, February 25, 2010
The Home Stretch
Greetings All,
I apologize I have been remiss in posting lately. I have to say it is easy for days to get away from me at a time. I'm now a week past treatment number 6, and there are only 2 more on the horizon! I am slowly getting back to normal, or what has become normal to me. I still kind of live with my stomach being a little sensitive, not having full strength, and being pretty absent minded (I'd like to blame that on the chemo but I'm not sure that's fair). I have a few thoughts to share with everyone on how things have been going:
Treatment day is becoming quite a mental battle. I wake up the morning of and usually I don't feel too bad right off the bat. As I start to eat breakfast I start to feel the nausea creeping in. Every sight and smell as soon as I get in the car starts to trigger nausea. In the following days I even had to switch the water bottle I usually use with my wife's because just drinking from the bottle I always use at treatment was starting to get to me. While at the hospital I have a lot of moments where I feel close to losing my cookies. The nurse has asked me a couple times if I would like one of my anti-nausea that also is a "stress reliever". To be honest I haven't taken one of them since I've started treatment and I don't plan on taking one no matter how I feel. I'm not a big fan of drugs in general and habit forming narcotics give me the heebie-jeebies. I have been going to treatment alone because it is best for everyone but I'm thinking for the last 2 I'll be bringing someone along for company and to drive home.
All the nurses in Oncology have been incredible but I have to give a lot of credit to one nurse in particular whose name is Sue. She has been the one who has taken care of me for 4 out of my 6 treatments and she is the best. It is just not the same when she is not there. I think part of it for her is that she has a son that is close to my age but she has been a definite gift and I owe her a lot of thanks.
I just can't seem to bring myself to start thinking about the end of treatments. My wife and I have been joking about what we'll do with all this extra time on our hands this summer when I'm finally done with treatment and she's done expressing milk for our daughter (that's another blog, another time, another place). But in the process of things I really don't spend a lot of time actually thinking about being done. I guess it's mostly because I won't believe I'm done until that last PET scan, that last Radiation session, that final appointment when they say it's gone. Until then I can't think about being done because I have to still face the possibility that 8 treatments won't be the end. If I came to 8 thinking I'm done and it turns out I'm not that would be a bunch of 4 letter words. I'm trusting that won't happen but I keep it in the back of my mind.
I'll close like I usually do, thanking all of you for your thoughts and prayers, and your comments. As we head into, hopefully, the last 5 weeks of Chemo I can't say enough about how much everyone's spoken and unspoken support means to me and my family.
Peace,
Ben
I apologize I have been remiss in posting lately. I have to say it is easy for days to get away from me at a time. I'm now a week past treatment number 6, and there are only 2 more on the horizon! I am slowly getting back to normal, or what has become normal to me. I still kind of live with my stomach being a little sensitive, not having full strength, and being pretty absent minded (I'd like to blame that on the chemo but I'm not sure that's fair). I have a few thoughts to share with everyone on how things have been going:
Treatment day is becoming quite a mental battle. I wake up the morning of and usually I don't feel too bad right off the bat. As I start to eat breakfast I start to feel the nausea creeping in. Every sight and smell as soon as I get in the car starts to trigger nausea. In the following days I even had to switch the water bottle I usually use with my wife's because just drinking from the bottle I always use at treatment was starting to get to me. While at the hospital I have a lot of moments where I feel close to losing my cookies. The nurse has asked me a couple times if I would like one of my anti-nausea that also is a "stress reliever". To be honest I haven't taken one of them since I've started treatment and I don't plan on taking one no matter how I feel. I'm not a big fan of drugs in general and habit forming narcotics give me the heebie-jeebies. I have been going to treatment alone because it is best for everyone but I'm thinking for the last 2 I'll be bringing someone along for company and to drive home.
All the nurses in Oncology have been incredible but I have to give a lot of credit to one nurse in particular whose name is Sue. She has been the one who has taken care of me for 4 out of my 6 treatments and she is the best. It is just not the same when she is not there. I think part of it for her is that she has a son that is close to my age but she has been a definite gift and I owe her a lot of thanks.
I just can't seem to bring myself to start thinking about the end of treatments. My wife and I have been joking about what we'll do with all this extra time on our hands this summer when I'm finally done with treatment and she's done expressing milk for our daughter (that's another blog, another time, another place). But in the process of things I really don't spend a lot of time actually thinking about being done. I guess it's mostly because I won't believe I'm done until that last PET scan, that last Radiation session, that final appointment when they say it's gone. Until then I can't think about being done because I have to still face the possibility that 8 treatments won't be the end. If I came to 8 thinking I'm done and it turns out I'm not that would be a bunch of 4 letter words. I'm trusting that won't happen but I keep it in the back of my mind.
I'll close like I usually do, thanking all of you for your thoughts and prayers, and your comments. As we head into, hopefully, the last 5 weeks of Chemo I can't say enough about how much everyone's spoken and unspoken support means to me and my family.
Peace,
Ben
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
